Sports « MikeDuquet.com

Jul 20 2011

Sports

The Subtleties of Shifting the NFL Labor Blame

With news that the NFL is close to a new labor agreement, the impetus now lies with the NFLPA (NFL Players Association), the union arm that represents all current and former NFL players.

After weeks of tough negotiation, an agreement in principle has been reached. NFLPA members are set to vote on the new agreement today, but in the realm of public opinion this “vote” can only go one way.

NFLPA Chief DeMaurice Smith

Perhaps realizing that putting brash billionaires in front of the camera pleading their plight won’t win over any fans, the NFL owners have been relatively silent in the past weeks. Jerry Jones is nowhere to be found (something that benefits everyone really). While owners entered negotiations with the upper-hand, after losing the appeal for network TV revenue regardless of a 2011-12 season their coffers were not quite so stuffed. Sure they had a lot of money, but then again so did MC Hammer.

The court decision did indeed force the owners hand – losing out on any football would cost them dearly. Even if Week 1 of the pre-season were to not take place, owners would lose out on an estimated $200 million dollars. For the pre-season.

With efforts thus increased to reach a deal, a settlement-in-principal quickly developed. Concessions on training programs and the rookie scale were reached, where previously there seemed to be an immovable chasm of disagreement.

Now that the NFL owners are out of the public eye and an initial settlement has been reached, the deadline of August 7th (the set date for Week 1 of the pre-season) looms. The decision to play football in 2011-12 rests 100% with the NFLPA. Should they fail to ratify the agreement, even with both sides coming out as losers, public opinion will see:

1. The owners were arrogrant
2. The owners realized they needed to play football to make money
3. The owners sacrificed some of their demands to let the season start as planned.

Thus, blame will lie with the former and current players and their union. Through simple self-interest the owners have laid bare their soul and become, if not the victim, then at least the grown-up in negotiations.

The NFLPA’s biggest bargaining chip has always been public support. Should they fail to ratify the proposed settlement they could find themselves reviled and in a position that may jeopardize their very existence.

Tagged Demaurice Smith, football labor agreement, Jerry Jones, NFL, NFLPA

Nov 18 2010

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Foul Play, General Shenannigans, Hand Grenades

Foul Play – Former NFL Players Can’t Remember Time When the League Was This Weak

**The following article appears on betED.com’s “Foul Play” section here**

As Jeremiah Jones watched his beloved Bears get flagged for a crucial 15-yard Unnecessary Roughness penalty in their matchup against the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday he couldn’t help but let out a Charlie Brown-ish “Good Grief!”. The former All Pro Linebacker, who played from 1952-59, is a vocal opponent of Commissioner Goddell’s crackdown on potentially dangerous plays, especially where contact to the helmet is concerned.

“The league has just gotten so sissy now. It’s like a bunch of little girls out there prancing. If I wanted to watch the ballet I’d move to Communist Russia, comrade. Back in my day we’d…we’d…um…we’d uh…you know we’d just…um…uhhhhh…what was I talking about?”

Jones and a large number of former NFL players have been organizing a group which aims to meet with the NFL Commissioner to ask the league to regress its new policies on player contact.

Jones continued, “In my day you were lucky if they gave you a helmet. And you had to pay for it by bashing your head into the goalpost over and over to toughen it up. Was that a smart policy? Hells no, but it’s a man’s game and by gonnit sometimes as a man you don’t do what’s smart. That’s football!”

A spokesperson for the Commissioner’s office released a statement to Foul Play* urging retired players to see the reasoning behind the crackdown on hits, quoting numerous medical studies indicating former players are more prone to illnesses and syndromes related to concussions sustained while playing.

The spokesperson also noted that the League office has tried to meet with the group several times, however their members always forget to show up at the agreed upon meeting time, noting that they’ll sometimes “come here at random hours, like 11pm and such.”

“Ah that’s a load of hooey,” responded former Lineman Dave Wachowskis, a stalwart of the Pittsburgh Steelers teams in the late 1960’s. “Getting hit in the head has absolutely nothing to do…getting hit in the head has absolutely nothing to do with…getting hit in the head has…getting hit in the head has nothing to do with dinner. I want steak dammit!”

When pressed on the potential life saving impact these policies could make, Wachowskis admitted that “sure it could mean some of these guys have better lives after retiring,” noting that he himself has trouble with his back, knees, shoulders and ankles, bouts of memory loss, occasional migraines and suffers from ‘horrible, just horrible’ night tremors, “but I mean when I’m there lying on the ground, rolling around trying to remember the name of my nurse so she can help me back in bed and least I feel like a man, not some lilly-livered current NFL player like that ‘girly-haired Hawaiian’ who plays for the Steelers.”

“Sure they may have the media contracts, money, fame, women, union representation and a better overall quality of life than we ever had, but at least when my son comes to me and ask s about the game I can sit him on my knee and say ‘Jimmy…umm…Johnny. No Johnny is my cribbage partner. Um, someone get my kid on the phone and ask him his name, that kid is so lazy sometimes.’

Dave quickly trailed off and sat staring out the window but his son was quick to come to his defense:

“Dad may not remember much these days, but he still gets a smile on his face when he sees footage of his NFL Glory Days. The game may have taken away his mobility and his mind, but they can never take that away from him. I wonder if someone like Tom Brady will feel the same forty years from now staring out the window of one of his fancy mansions with his supermodel wife and millions of dollars and whatnot.”

Tagged betED, concussions, Foul Play, NFL

Oct 29 2010

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General Shenannigans, Hand Grenades, Sports

Foul Play – Cleveland Cavaliers Win First Game; Now Even More Unhappy

**The following article appears on betED.com’s “Foul Play” section here**

Cleveland, Ohio – Moments after the confetti fell and the crowd exited out of Quicken Loans arena on Wednesday night after the hometown Cavs beat the Boston Celtics, Cavaliers forward J.J. Hickson sat at his locker with head in hands. “Sucks man. This just sucks.” Hickson muttered to the gathered throngs of media in the Cavs locker room. “We can’t even do this right.”

It seems the Cavaliers were prepared for anything…except winning.

After months of being told how depressed they should be and how they probably wouldn’t win any games this year after the departure of star forward LeBron James, the Cleveland Cavaliers were prepared to wallow in their misery. Yet by beating the Boston Celtics on Wednesday night they were proven wrong once again.

“I mean we can’t even lose properly, you know? Everyone in Cleveland was ready for a depressing season and here we can’t even lose like we’re supposed to!” guard Anthony Parker exclaimed. “I bet no one’s even going to burn any #23 jerseys tonight.”

The fact that they beat the Celtics – the defending Eastern Conference champs and the team that James’ Miami Heat lost to the night before – seemed to be the icing on the cake (if the Cavs were all diabetic that is).

“So we beat the team that beat LeBron; that might mean we’re a better team than LeBron’s team. What kind of message does that send to all the depressed Cleveland fans?”

Newcomers Ramon Sessions and Coach Byron Scott were strangely absent from the depressed locker room, prompting F/C Anderson Verejao to quip “Huh, I bet they are celebrating the win. They’re new, they don’t really get it. It’s OK.”

The Cavaliers next game is Friday in Toronto. “The Raptors are pretty bad, but hopefully we can pull this loss out” Anderson told reporters as he got dressed.

“Hopefully we can lose by a really wide margin too. One of those depressing ‘man we suck’ kind of losses. I think that’s what this team needs right about now.”

Tagged Cleveland Cavaliers, Foul Play

Oct 28 2010

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General Shenannigans, Hand Grenades, Sports

New York Liberty Unveil Latest Prospect; Critics Skeptical

**The following article appears on betED.com’s “Foul Play” section here**

As James Dolan stepped to the podium in Madison Square Garden’s pressroom the thirty or so assembled reporters were prepared for anything. After years of mismanagement, the head of MSG Entertainment had de-sensitized the local media to the quirks and quarks of the “Dolan Era”. Well it turns out what happened Thursday afternoon goes beyond anything even New York would expect.

Flanked by various members of the MSG organization, Dolan dropped a bombshell that is sure to make waves in the sports world by announcing the New York Liberty have signed 6-9 forward LeDonna James.

The previously unheard of free-agent signed a 3-year / $30 million dollar contract, the richest in WNBA history.

While the signing of James adds size to the Liberty frontcourt and could have enormous consequences come the start of the 2010-11 WNBA season, it was the mystery surrounding James herself that turned the basketball world upside down.

LeDonna James it seems bears a striking physical, and name, resemblance to the NBA’s Miami Heat LeBron James.

“When he first came out there, I thought someone was playing a joke on us. Er, when “she” came out sorry.” stated ESPN’s NBA analyst Chad Ford. “I mean how many 6-9, 250 lb. basketball playing women are out there?”

Stepping to the podium LeDonna announced “LeDonna is very excited to take my talents to Manhattan. Some say LeDonna doesn’t know anything about the WNBA, well LeDonna knows a thing or two about winning and that’s what we’ll do here.”

Cavaliers forward Mo Williams, in New York for a charity tournament, was shocked upon hearing of the Mercury’s signing: “Who? LeDonna James?”

Upon being shown a picture from the press conference Williams was stunned; “Oh that’s LeBron. C’mon. LeDonna James? Is this a joke?”

When told that James stated that she was actually, in fact, from Akon, Ohio – a city not present on any maps Williams started to walk away while muttering “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.”

As the assembled reporters filed out of MSG, one local reporter ran up to James to question whether she was, in fact, LeBron James in a wig and make-up, with all this being a ruse to get his name back in the headlines. James was quick to deny the allegations, stating that “LeDonna is not LeBron. There is only one LeBron.”

Tagged Foul Play, lebron james

Sep 01 2010

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General Shenannigans, Kamikaze Lemurs, Sports

Denver RB Declared Legally Comatose – Still Set to Start on Week 1

**The following is another article I wrote for betED.com’s “Foul Play” section. You can find the actual article link HERE**

While many game-day starters can claim to come from “The U”, perhaps only one player taking the field on Week 1 of the NFL Regular Season can say they were claimed from the ICU.

With a recent spate of injuries decimating their running back core – their top three listed rushers are injured in some way with only Knowshon Moreno saying he can play at “80 percent” – the Denver Broncos have decided to buck the trend by signing former college rushing star DeMayne, despite the fact that DeMayne has been in a comatose state for the past 6 months.

According to Head Coach Josh McDaniels, DeMayne could be the real deal: “Sure Jim’s a little banged up and suffering major neurological stress, not to mention high-level muscle failure, but the tape we have on this kid is pretty good. He can cut and slash with the rest of him when he’s not lying in a bed.”

DeMayne suffered catastrophic body trauma in a puzzling accident, according to his high school coach Tim McGrau. “One minute he commits this bone-headed play, the next minute he’s beaten to a pulp in our locker room. It’s the strangest thing.”

Demayne’s doctors have said his long-term prognosis is good. Inserting him into the starting lineup however, doctors argue, could put his recovery at risk. “I don’t’ get it,” argues Dr. Norman Fizelle. “He can’t move and has no active brain wave patterns. I mean I know that doesn’t stop Cedric Benson but this is different.”

Despite the opinions of the medical community, Coach McDaniels remains committed to inserting DeMayne into the starting lineup, “We’ve got a good chance this year if we can get off to another fast start. We’ve got some really good pieces in place, but we need a solid running game. We’re counting on him for at least 100-200 yards from scrimmage.”

Don’t think DeMayne’s medical condition will get him preferential treatment however. McDaniels told us he’ll “chew his ass out” if he “half-asses” any plays. “Oh I’ll get in his ear if I don’t’ see his best effort. They say people in comas remember everything they’re told and I’ll make sure he remembers my words dag nabbit.”

DeMayne’s father, Mikey DeMayne, understands the medical community’s trepidation, but is undeterred. “Hell, I’ll wheel his ass out on the field myself if I have to,” Mr. DeMayne mused. “ I know all these fancy doctors with their fancy degrees and high-falootin’ training might be experts on the body, but they don’t know anything when it comes to my boy. I mean how would my son feel if he woke up and found out we had denied him a chance to live out his life goal? He’s been dreaming about playing in the NFL since he was a little boy. Heck, he might even be dreaming about it right now, if he’s dreaming anything at all.” DeMayne paused for a second in deep thought before continuing “Do you dream when you’re in a coma? Let me ask his doctor, I’ll be right back.”

Tagged betED.com, Denver Broncos, Foul Play

Aug 17 2010

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General Shenannigans, Hand Grenades, Sports

Favre Set To Enter Another Southern Miss

**The following is a lead for a covers.com piece to be published within the next month. Here’s a sneak peek.**

On Friday the long wait ended, or did it? Yes it did.

After months of holding out on giving the Minnesota Vikings an answer Brett Favre has finally announced his intention for the upcoming 2010-11 football season: this fall, the Golden Brett will be returning to the Golden Eagles. That’s right, Brett Favre will be returning as starting QB for the NCAA’s Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles.

Through a rarely-used “regression” clause in the NCAA rulebook Brett Favre has been awarded one extra year of college eligibility.

The regression clause stipulates that if a former NCAA Division I player has shown through their actions “a complete and utter lack of education that they had once received” as well as a complete “lack of common sense, decency or basic sense of what is right-and-wrong” then that player may return for one more year of classes and athletic achievement.

This rarely used clause has only been used twice in the past: in 2009 Maurice Clarett was allowed to return to Ohio State and in 1999 Rae Carruth was declared eligible to return to Colorado (that invitation was later revoked after he was found guilty of planning to kill the Dean, the Dean’s wife and the Dean’s children via drive-by shooting, for no apparent reason).

When pressed as to why he would rather forego a possible $20 million dollar one-year contract for another shot at the college game, Favre responded with a simple “I dunno.”

After initially hearing about the NCAA’s ruling however, Favre was ecstatic: “You know, I like just being a dang’ kid out there and throwing these balls to dem dang kids…well that’s just danged special” Favre announced to the packed conference room at the Hattiesburg Motel 8.

“When I heard they’d let me play another year, why, I just about pulled the trigger and shot my cousin square in the jaw I did. I think I might have crapped in my Wranglers though.”

Leading online sportsbook betED.com was quick to change their college football rankings and BCS National Championship odds. Southern Miss is now listed at -1500 to win the C-USA and -110 to make it to a major Bowl game. When reached for comment betED.com VIP Manager Mike Dennis stated, “We might have to create a special ‘Will Brett Favre throw a crucial interception in a Bowl Game’ prop bet, but it might get so much action it will overload our servers,” before chuckling to himself “I cannot believe he did that. What a douche move.”

While Minnesota Vikings fans may be aghast over Favre’s decision and the prospect of putting their hopes on the shoulders of Tavaris Jackson, television networks are excited over the possible revenue streams and increase in viewership he will undoubtedly bring the C-USA conference. “My God, can you imagine? The ratings will be through the roof!” exclaimed ABC network Executive Ted Leonberg before following up “Does anyone know if Hattiesburg has electricity?”

Vikings players were less enthusiastic. Defensive End Jared Allen angrily threw a chair against his locker upon hearing the news, while receiver Sidney Rice repeatedly paced back and forth while yelling “NO ONE WILL DRAFT ME IN FANTASY LEAGUES NOW!” over and over.

Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress was unavailable for comment but is presumed dead. Suicide has been declared the cause-of-death-if-indeed-dead.

Incumbent Golden Eagles QB Austin Davis had mixed emotions:

“On the one hand I’m kind of sad that I will be missing out on starting my Junior year and just playing with the guys. But then again, I will be able to learn from one of the best. I mean, when I throw an interception I get so angry and work harder every day to make sure it never happens again, but Brett can really teach me how to not care about careless turnovers. Plus, I always get caught when I text pictures of ‘Little Austin’ to girls, but Brett seems to be pretty good at it.”

When asked about what aspect of playing alongside Favre most excited him number one receiver Jonathan Massey gave an unexpected reply.

“Oh that’s easy. I mean I know he can help us win games and possibly a national championship, but I’m most excited to be carried on his shoulders after a touchdown. That’s something they just don’t teach in Division I anymore.”

Tagged betED.com, Covers.com, Favre, Spoof

May 21 2010

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Sports

Don’t Call me “Soccer” Bro

If this video doesn’t get you excited for the World Cup then there’s something wrong with you…

First Cut – Nike: Write the Future

Tagged Africa 2010, Drogba, Ribery, Ronaldo, Rooney, World Cup

Apr 07 2010

2 Comments

General Shenannigans, Hand Grenades, Sports

A Day in the Life of Tiger Woods

5:45am – wake up, make sure not to disturb the wife. Go outside and hit golf balls.

6:45am – come inside. Elin’s still asleep. Damn that bitch is lazy and a sound sleeper. Hmm….

7:00am – eat breakfast. Two bowls of Frosted Flakes, 8 egg whites, 2 cups of coffee. 2 Cialis pills.

7:30am – read newspaper. Why the fuck am I all the way back on page 6? Don’t they know I’m playing at Augusta this week? Gosh darnit.

8:10am – back outside. Hit golfballs. I am awesome.

9:00am – come inside. Get a shower. Elin’s getting the kids up. About time.

9:15am – take dog for a walk. Man, how sweet would it be to be a dog. You don’t have to deal with the media, you just get to play all day. Plus, people watch you fuck bitches.

10:00am – great, here come the phone calls already. It’s my caddie Steve Williams, no I don’t want to meet up to watch “How To Train Your Dragon” with you tonight. Man that guy’s creepy. Can’t believe I cried in front of him though. Ugggghhh Tiger.

10:45am – outside. Hittin golfballs. Listening to Kenny Chesney.

11:00am – check mail. Sweet, finally got that iPad I’ve been hearing all about

11:01am – 11:03am – playing with iPad.

11:04am – Fuck this thing is stupid.

11:05am – Weekly scheduled bowel movement.

11:25am – call from agent. Fine, I’ll do another interview, but let me see the questions first so I can script my answers again ok?

11:30am – 12:45pm – nap.

1:00pm – Watching Maury Povich. haha…that 13 year old thinks she all that. but she isn’t all that. I would fuck her though. Seriously. I would fuck her.

2:00pm – outside hitting golfballs.

3:00pm – Elin comes back from gym and shopping. No really, keep spending all my money. After all, you are soooo good at hitting the 17th at St. Andrews Elin. no wait, that’s me. I’m the one who does shit here. You’re the one who just lays there when we have sex and calls me “Sven”.

3:15pm – kids come back from daycare. Great.

3:16pm – outside, hitting golfballs.

4:15pm – phone call with Mom. Yes mom, I do realize that the media is tearing me apart. No mom, I didn’t have sex with the same woman Jesse James had sex with.

5:00pm – dinner. No that’s fine Elin, no need to learn to cook, I’ll keep relying on my staff of four chefs that costs me a million G-D dollars every year.

5:15pm – Mmm…this is some good gumbo.

6:00pm – Gatorade commercial on ESPN. Fuck those guys, it’s just sugar and salt anyways.

6:30pm – on cell phone. No Elin, I’m not talking to any girls.

6:45pm – make date with a few girls. Need cover story.

7:00pm – call Steve Williams, tell him to lie for me again in return for watching “How To Train Your Dragon” during the weekend.

8:00pm – Get into Maybach. Thank God I don’t have to drive Buicks anymore.

9:00pm – Check in to Fairmont hotel. What fake name to give? Decide to go with “Leopard Metal”.

9:15pm – WHAT. THE. FUCK. I specifically told that bitch to bring 2 friends who were white blondes between the ages of 19-24 and around 5’3. That last bitch is definitely Puerto Rican or something. *Sigh* Oh well.

9:30pm – 12:30am – Gettin my Tiger on.

12:31am – Climax. Chart climax level in journal. About a 64 this time.

1:00am – leave hotel. Drive home.

1:30am – get home. Tippie-Tiger-toeing.

1:45am – take 8 ambien pills.

2:00am – crawl into bed. Elin’s sound asleep. Big Surprise there. God that bitch is lazy. Wait, why is there a copy of “How To Train Your Dragon” on top of the bedroom TV?

Tagged Elin Woods, Probably not that far off, Steve Williams, Tiger Woods

Mar 24 2010

2 Comments

Sports

March Madness: The Fighting Whites

The 2010 NCAA College Basketball March Madness tournament has been crazy so far with upsets and Cinderella stories galore. Favored teams have lost to double-digit ranked underdogs and there’s still so much more to play.

One question, however, has captured the national interest:

Which team is more white – Cornell or Northern Iowa?

Now I know what you’re thinking “Duke is the whitest team hands down.” but seriously, F**K Duke. They’re white in the way that Jerry Lewis’ is Chinese.

No, what we’re looking for is authentic whiteness. We’re not talking wonderbread, we’re talking “picking up your little sister after hockey practice” white. We’re talking “discriminating against minorities at the same time as you and your frat brothers rape a stripper” white (shit, I guess that’d be Duke again wouldn’t it? OK, let’s just pretend Duke doesn’t exist OK?).

So without Freddy Adu, I bring you Northern Iowa vs. Cornell. That’s right, it’s a White Off!

Cornell
Location (6.5/10) : Ithaca, New York – sure it’s upstate New York, but it’s still New York, gnome sayin?

Sample Player Names (8/10): Jonathan Gray, Adam Wire, Andre Wilkins, Errick Peck, Jon Jaques. Hmm, Errick with two R’s nearly cost them this round, but then again they do have a kid named Eitan Chemerinski who looks like this. Well played Cornell, well played.

Coach (13/10):

Steve Donahue. Not only does Steve look exactly like you’d think a head basketball coach should look like, his official title is – get this – “The Robert E. Gallagher ’44 Head Coach of Men’s Basketball” and no, I’m not joking.

Biggest Star (8/10): Ryan Wittman – dude’s so white and sincere that I nearly fell asleep looking at his picture.

Fans (6/10):

Number of minorities in fan shot : Over 5. //shakes head in dissapointment

Most White Characteristics (10/10): OK, not only are they an Ivy League school where their opponents are Yale and Hahhhhhhvahhhd, but they also have no athletic scholarships. So every player on their team is playing FOR FREE. Ugh…how disgusting. Also their name is “Big Red” which is also something that could be used to describe a tall Irish man. Well done Cornell. Well done.

Least White Characteristics (5/10): Proximity to NYC, was founded in 1865 without racial discrimination. Big international presence.

Famous Alumni (10/10):

That’s right. Bill f**king Nye The Science Guy! He’s my boy. Definite 10.

Whiteness in Action (Bonus 2 pts):

Final Score: 68.5 pts

Northern Iowa

Location (8/10): Cedar Falls, Iowa – ooh that’s pretty damn white sounding.

Sample Player Names (8.5/10): Adam Rodenberg, Kerwin Dunham, Jake and Adam Koch (brothers AND they say their name as “Cook” even though it’s not spelled like that…that’s classic whiteness right thurr).

Coach (10/10):

Ben Jacobsen. Not only does he have a very white name, dude is harsh ugly (bonus points!).

Biggest Star (4/10): Ali Farokhmanesh – he’s actually part Iranian and his name even has a silent H…that’s a little too “ethnic” for my liking pal.

Most White Characteristics (8/10): They’re not only from Iowa, they’re from NORTHERN Iowa. They defeated a superior team (let’s be honest) with the three point shot and some good ole’ fashioned “Do it for the Gipper!” luck.

Least White Characteristic (2.5/10): Their main ball-handler is Kwado Ahelegbe Now if he was directly from Africa, that’d be classic whiteness (taking in and accepting someone from a different culture – see: Bullock, Sandra – The Blind Side) but dude’s from Minnesota, I mean, c’mon Northen Iowa – HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT THIS?

Fans (9/10):

Number of minorities in fan shot: 1 Asian guy (2nd row right hand side)