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Chapter 2

The third floorboard always creaked.

As the eldest child, Steve’s sister Kate was entitled to choose her own bedroom. With high-arching ceilings, exposed solid wood trusses and haunting acoustics, she chose the attic. To her the privacy and coolness factor of living in a space with an instant “escape route” from her parents was the biggest draw.

Although the home was over a hundred years old, most of the original hardwood flooring remained. In 1951 a small fire had devoured a portion of the attic, the bathroom below and roughly a quarter of the roof. Where the replacement met the old, untouched floor, a single nail had eroded. It was buried so deep as to cause a slight kink, an imperfection which in turn led to an ever-so-slight adjustment of the carpenter’s originally sketched plan. The result was a loose piece of floorboard, the third from the left-side wall. Located exactly 2 steps  to the north from her closet and exactly 6 steps to the east from her bed, this spot emitted a slight creak every time Kate placed her foot upon it. For her it was a minor inconvenience and a point of avoidance when sneaking home late at night. For the boy who lived below her bedroom it provided an infrequent assurance that there was indeed someone above him. He didn’t know why, but this fact comforted Steve and brought a slight smile to his face every time his ears picked it up.

For hours he would sit next to his open closet door playing with his GI Joes and Transformers, removed from the “world” world, yet every time he’d hear that creak his back would stiffen. Tilting his head to the right ever so slightly, he sat prone, Indian-style, trying to deduce what she was doing up there. At times, after squabbles, he would imagine she was plotting something evil, masterminding a scheme for his eventual downfall. After Christmas and Birthday dinners he imagined she lay awake thinking how great her brother’s gift was.

The roof of 181 Cardson Place was impressive in only that the frequency with which shingles needed to be replaced. A large slope drained rain water to a plastic gutter on the left-most 40% of the two story home, while the remaining 60% graded slightly less, meaning that the same rainfall “whooshed” off the left side, falling in an orderly pitter-patter on the opposite side of the home. As a young boy Steve and his brother had spent hours during storms running across the upper-level cross way from their parents’ room to Steve’s room to compare the rates of fall. When their sister felt like playing along she would open her window that overlooked the left roof and roll a marble over the edge. By propping herself on the ledge, Kate could do a no-look, overhead toss to get marbles to fall from the right side, but the timing needed to pass by the bedroom window would be envied by a Swiss watchmaker.

The plastic gutter bordering the entire house was only noticed in the winter and for perilous reasons; glistening, beautiful icicles formed along the perimeter, threatening those who would walk underneath. Breaking was announced by a “shhhh” sound, followed by a loud crashing or “poof” depending on whether it landed in a snowbank or the sidewalk.

Steve’s childhood friend Trevor (now a banker with a prostate problem, 2 kids and a double mortgage in Connecticut) would challenge him to stand under the largest icicle while he threw snowballs. Steve would close his eyes, breathing heavily through his frozen-snot filled nose. His chest puffed out with each exhale and his heels dug deeper into the snow with each inhale. The one time Trevor was actually on target the 2 foot long wand cracked at the base. A light breeze altered its course and it fell at Steve’s feet, inches away from his winter boots. His eyes opened to the sight of crystalline shards at the edge of the snow-base. Trevor picked up the largest piece and started sucking on it. Steve picked up the base and put it in his mouth, crunching it like a hard candy.

Famous for having the second biggest driveway in the neighborhood (a sure sign of childhood Canadian status), the Bresnan family estate was the perfect launching point for many a boyhood adventure. At 5 years of age the five boys in the cul-de-sac (Trevor, Steve, Ryan, Chris and Chris) would push their Hot Wheels down the 20 foot driveway. One car invariably careened, ending up in the grass. The winning car would strike the sidewalk first and either stop abruptly or launch into the air, sometimes as high as 3 feet. At 10 years of age the boys (Ryan’s family moved away, Justin was the new kid but he didn’t come around that often as his family were Jehovah’s Witnesses) set up a ramp made of 4 pieces of wood: one long plank and three 2-feet long blocks. The first of these ramps (plank boards tended to crack when Chris #1 would ride over it) had an exposed nail that spelled doom for several tires over the years. When the ramp broke for a fourth time in a month, the boys put it off to the side of Steve’s house where parts of it remain to this day.

The winter-time Cul-de-Sac became a gathering place for kids. The municipal snowplow drove around in three circles, then deposit the accumulated load into the middle, as if filling a big donut. This hill, in peak snowfall years rising higher than any house on the street, saw battles the likes of which the Carthaginians would have been proud. With a running head-start from the Bresnan driveway, waves of children would attempt to become “King of the Hill”, some through brute force, some through tactics (distraction and flanking being the most popular). On calm Saturdays the surrounding neighborhoods would be silent, but as one drew closer to Cardson Place the squeals,  shouts and laughter rose to a cacophony.

From the moment they stepped outside and put on their wool mittens to the time their parents yelled at them to come inside for dinner, the Hill was it. Although there was no official tally, the Bresnans traditionally dominated and ruled with an iron fist. Potential usurpers were pushed away, falling to the snowbank below. Chris #2′s cousin once fell so hard that his head hit the pavement below, but no one noticed except for his mother. As she came running towards her unmoving boy, Steve let out a mighty roar and pounded his chest like King Kong.

Perhaps his favorite part of the outside of the house, besides the garage where he formed his first band (Belly Button Window, named after a Hendrix song. He didn’t like Hendrix but he thought he should like Hendrix), was the linked chain hanging from the gutter to the ground. In over 20 years this chain neither rusted nor moved. At times Steve and his brother would lick the chain after a heavy rainfall, until their mother put a quick end to that by fear of an unknown chain disease. In the winter it would form a solid column. The boys would fight over who would get to take the hockey stick to it and cause the catastrophic ice explosion. Sometimes they would argue about this on the way home, only to find out that someone else had beaten them to it. They suspected the kid who delivered the newspaper and held a grudge against him until they were 17 and heard that his mother had passed away. There were more important things than icicles after all.

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Chapter 1

Conceptualization of the contraceptive device was not proving to be as easy as one would think for the esteemed Head of Set Props. There were only so many ways to insert, or take out, a device meant to prevent pregnancy, even for a six-legged extraterrestrial.

Staring directly at the spot where the window frame met the wall, his brow furrowed in concentration, Steve Bresnan was going to need more information before the meeting could be concluded. Visions of orb-like devices and green-light-escaping lanterns flooded through his brain, but then again anytime they came to him with “Science Fiction – Alien Movie – ‘Hot’ Actor, Plot TBD” projects like these it was his go-to initial idea, no matter if it was a weapon, source of energy, burial device or whatever the situation called for.

His first set of questions revolved around anatomy; was there, you know, a “male” and a “female”? Did the male, you know, impregnate, the female? Did he do this by, you know, the normal human way, or was there some sort of arachnid-type leg touching? After being sufficiently satisfied that there was indeed a prog and a hole, a mounting and a thrusting, focus could turn to cultures.

Without even looking up from his Blackberry, the Production Manager, a stout 50′ish man dressed in a blue cotton shirt (Brooks Brothers, $160, Item#: 45-8722) and faded striped brown suit pants, sensed where the conversation was going. Removing one hand from the keyboard, he raised his hand as if stopping a school-bus.

“Before you ask, yes they do look like humans but with more legs and some weird Sci-fi’ish face features.”

“So they’re not lizards or spider-crawly-types right?”

“Correct. We wanted to avoid the over-CGI route, plus that shit is getting expensive. I don’t understand computer stuff myself but I mean how much money does a team of nerds need?”

The Head of Design didn’t even flinch upon hearing this. Nothing. He was thinking about porn again, I bet, Steve supposed. Those nerds love their porn.

Tapping on the table with his iPhone, Steve noticed that his left leg was bouncing up and down at the same time. His right hand was twitching and his left leg was bouncing. He wondered if he was having a stroke. No, everything’s fine, it’s probably just the Red Bull. It was before 11 in the morning after all, definitely not the time for a drink made of sugar, medicine and evil.

“Do they gargle when they talk? You know, like “GAAARRRRGGGGHHH!, or “ScccccHHhhhhhHHhh”?”

“No, they’re all British. Well, the actors are British. We tried to get a few Arabs for the speaking roles but they’re all being used for that action flick down the lot.”

 American Revenge was a blockbuster production taking place on Lots B, C and D at Viscount studios. Every day since they started filming Steve would drive to work in his 2002 Toyota Camry (sensible, nice interior, deferred payments, low down payment) and be forced to wait behind at least 10 cars entering the lot with that stupid American Revenge sticker on the rear window. “This time it’s our time” or something stupid like that. The movie featured a now very-old Robert DeNiro and a now very-still-bad-actor Taylor Lautner as former Marines whose wives are both suspected terrorists and together they must kill…somebody…or something. Steve hadn’t paid attention to the company memo. It looked stupid and would probably make eleventy billion dollars.

“OK, so British, 6 legs, fucking, dick and vagina…what’s the working plot again?”

“Aliens have invaded Earth but created hybrid babies with the wrong group of people and it’s up to the Twilight kids to protect the correct group from getting filled with alien babies.”

Clapping twice, Steve suddenly stood up in a more rushed fashion than he was hoping to convey. Placing his hands on his hips, he began to rotate them left-to-right in small to medium sized circles. No one found this odd.

“And one of those kids are actually an alien in disguise, right?”

“Correct. That enough info?”

“OK, no problem. One question though – if they’re here to impregnate earth people why would they need contraceptives?”

“Oh that’s the Parents’ Council bullshit again. Apparently even aliens need jimmy-hats.”

Stopping the hip circles, Steve opened his right hand as if a magician waving over a top hat. The panache was not unnoticed.

“Wait, it has to be the males that use them?”

“Of course, I mean I know they’re aliens and all but even they know better than to leave that kinda shit up to a woman.”

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